driving alone at night is a therapy of its own; you get stuck with a lot of thoughts running through your head.
good, bad, when you're going 160 in the dead of the night, you certainly think. and thinking makes you think even more.
rage. right now, i'm full of it. and i can barely hold it in anymore.
i just wish i had something to vent this on, but i'm beginning to realize that's the coward's way out.
if i only had the strength, the will to let it all go. instead, i keep holding on to whatever haunts my dreams. it seems that the harder i want to forget the stronger it clings to me.
when it hurts me, and me alone, it didn't matter; my pain is probably insignificant compared to the rest of the world. but now i think i'm beginning to hurt others as well, people i care about. people whom i realize are the best things to ever happen to me, and perhaps to ever happen. i'm lucky to actually have crossed paths with them, and luckier still that they'd even talk to me.
i can't bear the thought that i'm hurting them, but that's after the fact. i know i'm losing it, and last night was the last straw; to actually snap at someone,even in an off-hand remark, is still unforgivable. so i'm sorry mr. L, and i'll hope you'll forgive me. it won't happen again, or at least i'll give it my all to not let it.
and to the rest of my friends, especially GG, i apologize for being a complete, total jerk who can't even see how lucky he is for having you guys. you lot are certainly one of the greatest beings on planet Earth, and i owe you a lot. almost every joy i've had here is because of you, and i hope you won't deem me irredeemable for my foolishness the past week. and i hope you'll forgive me if i tend to be evasive; i just don't want, i just can't afford to get into a temper tantrum when you guys are around. i'll never forgive myself, ever. so it's probably better to avoid, rather than letting you see my darker sides. again, i'm sorry. a million apologies won't be enough, but it's a start.
to H; thanks for the favor, and sorry for troubling you.
to A; thanks for your kind words, and sorry for worrying you.
to R; thanks for the laughs, and sorry for ignoring you.
to L; thanks for being patient, and sorry for snapping at you.
to I; thanks for being cool, and sorry for being a jerk.
to whom it may concern, thanks for the call. i have no idea how you seem to always know when i'm in trouble, but thanks for knowing. thanks for the talk. thanks for telling me that thing's will be alright, that everything happens for a reason. your advice is always appreciated, and your words cherished. thanks for reminding me not to do anything stupid; i probably would have if not for that. i couldn't thank you enough for being the light in this darkness.
as a last word, i again would like to say i'm sorry. to everyone. and i hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. if you can't, i'll understand. some things are perhaps just too hurtful to forgive.
to everyone i know, and care:
p.s. perhaps not today, nor tomorrow, but someday i'll prove my worth. i'm not afraid, not anymore. i'm learning to let go, and you can't stop me. i'll show you just who i am, and be assured that i will not falter. i'll be one who proudly bears himself, no longer confined to your shadow.
