Unconquered NerdGeek: If They Existed, I'd Sell My Soul For Them

well, not really.

maybe a small portion.
wait, i'm getting ahead  of myself, i haven't even told what i'd sell my soul for yet.

weapons. awesome, fictional weapons that don't exist. and i want them.
wait, how come everything i want doesn't exist? i'm such a dreamer!!!

oh well, a guy can still dream right? you better not say no you bloody realists!!!


alright then, straight to business. this post is simply a list of weapons from various fictional sources that i want, yet can't have. at least not in this lifetime. maybe i'll ask for some if i get to heaven. and that is one BIG if.





in no particular order, these are the top 5 non-existing weapons that i want. on a side note, they'd make awesome birthday gifts if you could get them. no, i don't want a keychain, i have enough to feed an elephant that eats keychains. keychains are fine too!

i. Mjolnir --- Thor, Marvel Comics
first off, it's the mighty mallet of the Odinson of Asgard; the mighty Thor. as awesome as Thor himself is for kicking phony sore loser Tony Stark, Mjolnir is just as awesome. for one, it's made of Uru (which is fictional in case you haven't figured that out) metal making it nigh indestructible. it's also good for target practice, since it comes back to it's wielder even when it's a mile away! most importantly, it's also magic!!! it can summon lightning! it can summon magical lightning! it can call upon tornadoes! magic tornadoes! ah, the moment when Thor crushed Tony Stark's armor with one lightning strike shall and making him walk home (in his armor) will forever be etched in the halls of comic legend. the only catch is you have to be worthy of the hammer. you have to be noble, heroic, courageous and all that. wait, what? i don't even have one of those!!! well there's probably a loophole somewhere, Superman used it once after all.

Mjolnir, hammering idiots since ancient times.

and stark thought he could make demands?
good luck with that Iron Idiot.

ii. Green Lantern Ring --- Green Lantern Corps, DC Comics

it's a, well, ring, duh. and it's  green. it also happens to be cool. it's fueled by willpower, and allow wielders to shape anything their mind can imagine. the drawback is that whatever you imagine will come out green. but that's ok, we're all warmongering planet butchers benevolent environmentalists, deep at heart, right? anyways, so the ring can create constructs which basically does whatever you imagine it to. you want a gatling gun? go ahead, think about it. just don't rage over the green bullets. in the Blackest Nights series DC went and made up a bunch of other colored rings as well. but none of 'em beats old green. sure, it's allergic to yellow (fear) but the Corps get through in the end. now if this really existed, i'd make it my wedding ring. as if i'm gonna ever get married.

In brightest day, in blackest night.
Let those who worship evil's might.
Beware my power, Green Lantern's Light!!!

iii. Bolter and Chainsword --- Space Marines , Warhammer 40,000

"We live by the bolter and the blade, the Emperor's servants unto death." The Space Marines of the Imperium are weapons enough by themselves, being thrice as tall as normal men and about a hundred times stronger. but in the grim darkness of the future, that simply aren't enough. you need weapons. that overkill. seriously, the bolter is in essence an assault rifle, that fires large caliber rounds (akin to .50) which, since being big isn't enough, also explode upon penetration. yes, aside from shooting huge rounds, the rounds also explode. this is a world where spaceships have macro cannons and planet-killing cyclonic torpedoes. and psychic mojo .everything in w40k is overkill.

iv. Power Armor --- various sources

so this isn't technically a weapon. but power armors are sort of a cross between hi-tech armors and super awesome exoskeletons. seeing as they provide you with immense physical boosts, i don't see why i can't classify this as a weapon, sort of. power armors are those suits that various sci-fi stuff use. i guess the most prominent one would be the ones the Terran Marines use in Starcraft though they're completely overrated. a space marine from w40k could crush them with their bare hands. a chaos marine would just shout psychic nonsense and those Terrans would fall. anyways, other power armors incorporate stuff that go beyond just strength and agility augmentation. the ARS in Vanquish for instance increases the user's reflex, making him able to see the world in bullet time. w40k (warhammer 40,000 for you ignorants) widely utilizes power armor, with plenty of variants for more awesomeness. 

ARS, from Vanquish. with jet thrusters for cool looking sliding.

Brotherhood of Steel t-45b power armor from Fallout. laser rifle not included.

Astartes Tactical Dreadnought Armor, or Terminator Armor from w40k.
this is a screen from Fallout, so that minigun is not actually part of w40k.
they have heavy bolters instead; miniguns with exploding rounds. 

v. Lightsaber --- do i really have to tell you? fine. Star Wars.

ok, so George Lucas might be an A-Class a-hole for being a moneymaking tyrant who ruined the prequel trilogy (seriously midi chlorians? the Force is the Force, no need to quantize it!) and made Darth Vader look like a tool. but at least he has one saving grace which will forever withhold me from massacring his family: LIGHTSABERS. KRIFFIN' LIGHTSABERS. 

case A: bzzzt, swoosh, voom, they have the most awesome sound effects. even the sounds they make just flourishing it gives me nerdgasms. 

case B: who needs to dodge laser blasts? lightsabers just deflect them back. take that, stormtrooper.

case C: practically unstoppable. they cut trough anything, anything. ok, except bes'kad, but who reads the novels right?

case D: Yoda. that fight in ep III was the shiz. it was worth going through that damn thing just to see Master Yoda go all crazy with his lightsaber in his personal, highly customized Ataru form. 

case E: it's just pure awesome. isn't that enough?

yes, you know it.

alright. enough of my geekiness. 

on a side note, exams are over!!! YES!!! I SCREWED BAD!!! BUT IT'S FINALLY FRAKKIN' OVER!!! CONSEQUENCES BE DAMNED!!!