i'm reclusive when it comes to feelings. my problems aren't for anybody else to bear. they're mine to go through, and not for others to suffer.
so don't fucking ask me in real life, i'll just deny everything. i'd rather keep bullshit locked away safely in a vault within the deepest recesses of my pathetic mind.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Screw it. I've had enough.
I
JUST
DON'T
FUCKING
CARE
there, i've said it.
Life is bullshit. Seriously, people you care about are the ones who fucking break your damn heart.
what? is that some sort of law of the universe?
they're supposed to be supportive, yet their words are the ones that hurt most.
then somehow everything's supposed to be ok the next day? presents? an apology?
newsflash: it still hurts.
the mind doesn't forget.
the heart doesn't heal. not that easily.
anyway, i've had enough. i quit. really, i'm tired of it,
expectations, fights, being screamed at, being insulted. i'm tired of being the moron, the fucking bastard.
i'm a bloody human, not a fucking robot that knows nothing.
i CAN actually think, i CAN actually understand, and i CAN actually FEEL.
but i guess that's never enough.
so really, i don't care what anyone wants to think of me anymore.
they can look at as a motherfucking asshole if they want, it's not my bloody problem anymore.
Money? Grades? A life? Fuck 'em. I'll get them when i want on my terms, not because someone tells me to. if i don't, well that's my problem. i don't care if you want to say that X is better than me or that Y has some fucking achievement i don't have. why the hell should i even care about those fucks? fine, they're better than me. think what you will. judge me as you wish. i'm not perfect, and i wouldn't want to be. i'm me, and i won't change that just because you can't appreciate it. i'm not some circus act that you can parade to others when i do things right then scream or threaten me when i screw up. for one thing, i'm human. i DO fucking make mistakes. doesn't mean i have to be a damn pariah just because of it. doesn't mean i should be a bloody outcast of my own world.
i don't know why, but seems like all i could think these days are how pointless everything is. studying, money, relations. i don't know. everything just seem so FUCKING POINTLESS. what's the point of all of this? seriously. damn it. just why am i doing all this? just why the fuck am i here? i can't even think of a reason to be here anymore. maybe the whole fucking world would be happier, hell, better, if i just fucking disappear. if i just vanished right off the face of this earth. if i got swallowed into a black hole to nothingness. cause that's what life feels like these days. nothing. bloody fucking nothing. everything is just so empty, so hollow. everything i do, everything i achieve, i obtain, it all feels like a void. a void that i'm falling, falling, endlessly. every joy turns into nothing. all i can think about is how fucking useless i am. i can't even save my own fucking self. i try to surround myself with the friends i love most, but they can't always be there, i realize that. it's just every moment with my own thoughts just makes me think of what a stupid fuck i am. i screw up all the fucking time don't I? i screw up my life, my friends, every single damn thing around me. everything i do is just so damn useless. so i guess i just don't care anymore.
damn it. i realize there's so many things i could, and should be grateful for and yet, yet they're just a haze in my thoughts, a distant memory of some far away past that doesn't belong to me. all i can see today is darkness, every single joy is just a blur, while each painful remembrance is vividly played through every single fiber of my being. the threats, the screams, the throwing, they're all i can remember now. it's as though there's nothing else to think of; nothing else to fight for. i don't even have the heart to fight for myself anymore. i just want to turn off. to shutdown this worthless mind of mine. i just want to lay down and let life do whatever it wants with me, whatever it deems necessary to satiate it's hunger for amusement.
i just want to scream.
scream again and again, endlessly into the void. into the darkness.
and fall to nothingness.
